… And I’m Back

My recent ascension to internet phenomenon inspired me to revive my good o’l blog, which has been about as lifeless as Chernobyl these past few months. Well, I’ve decided it’s been gathering and dust and spammers for too long.

So I had the great joy of spending the past week fending off accusations of anti-semitism, after committing the unpardonable sin of calling the great moral activist of our time Jeff Pearlman, “a waste of his father’s semen.” Ah, the nerve on the part of my tender young ass. Boy do I have some cause for repentance.

You see, Jeff got my blood boiling after reading his reaction to Manny Ramirez’s retirement. While Jeff loves to watch porn and stroke it in quiet anonymity, he’s quick to don the clerical collar when it comes to other’s transgressions.

But I’ve already touched on the hypocrisy. What really pissed off Jeff was not our difference of opinion. I’m certainly not the first one to call him on his mindless drivel. Nope, my mistake was the manner in which I attacked him.

The idea of ever, ever, ever, ever, ever calling someone “a wate of his father’s semen”—especially an adult in the business—would be ludicrous. A. It would never cross my mind; B. My dad and mom would make me find the person to apologize—then they’d disown me.

Well, excuse the fuck out of me. How unprofessional on my part. Next time, I’ll make sure to tuck in my shirt, take you out for a steak dinner or some lobster- whatever fuels your daily IQ sucking posts- and quietly pass you a napkin, New York style, detailing how much of a dumb ass you are. Wouldn’t want to hurt your self-esteem or anything.

Because in Jeff’s bizzaro world, it’s okay for some dissent to exist- so as long I stay within certain parameters as defined by folks such as him. Meanwhile, Jeff’s free to propagate the mentality that tarnishes national reputations, infringes upon doctor patient confidentiality, and criminalizes human beings for victimless crimes,

You know what? Fuck that. This isn’t serious business for me folks. I’m not counting on my Mets Today or Hardball Times posts to put food on the table in the future. If Jeff, who’s certainly an accomplished and entertaining writer- unfortunately one devoid of any logic- is getting paid a whopping $50 to write a column for the Wall Street Journal- than my prospects of making a nice living in this business are about as promising as Chris Young’s chances of throwing 200 innings this season.

So why the emphasis on being so damn polished? That’s not meant as a rhetorical question. I’m asking people like Pearlman (I’ll shamelessly admit The Bad Guys Won was an awesome book, and I didn’t mind his Bonds book either), and every blogger that resigns themselves to sugarcoating the shit out of everything they write (Pearlman clearly doesn’t do this, which makes his response to me really ironic). Seriously, you know the one’s I’m talking about. The one’s that get a comment from an anonymous reader telling him he should go to the top of a tall building and take a little hop- and the author responds by saying, “I appreciate you visiting my blog.”

Hey, if it’s a pride thing, and you feel like fucking Dick Clark in his prime writing those perfectly crafted pieces designed to offend absolutely no one- more power to you buddy. Frankly, I think it’s so banal. Because if you insist on that kind of style, you have to compensate for it with sheer logic. Unique, innovative, mind-blowing logic. If you have it, great. But the vast majority of people don’t; mind you I’m the first to say I’m not a statistician or a scout.

Point is, I could sit here and write an entire damn essay, going on-and-on about how steroids use won’t lead to the downfall of human civilization, citing every legal and moral argument in the book. Sorry, but I’m here to have fun.

Hell, while I certainly didn’t write that post with the intention of starting a pissing match with Jeff, I’d be lying if I said I weren’t happy when I saw that it turned out I went down a bit too hard on Jeff’s clitoris, and he felt the need to respond. Hey, I caught the attention of a published book author? That’s cool, whatever the means, and if admitting that makes me a tool, fuck it, I’m a Home Depot.

Anyways, I hope the rest of my family doesn’t take my Neo-Nazi writings the wrong way, or it’s gonna be an awkward Passover dinner.

And happy passover to the Pearlman family. May us atheists reap all the same benefits of the holidays.